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Porn Site Data Reveals Hilarious Side Effect of Hawaii’s False Missile Alert #porn #Hawaii

It’s a hypothetical question that everybody gets asked at some point – what would you do if you found out you have only hours left to live?

The answer to that is, of course, panic. When a false missile alert went off last week in Hawaii, people rushed for storm drains and shelters as you’d expect.

I would like to propose a new hypothetical question: What do you do when you find out you actually don’t have just hours to live, and everything is in fact fine?

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Well, that too has been answered. It turns out the answer to that question is go to a porn site and “furiously masturbate”.

Pornhub has released data showing that from the minute the missile alert went out, traffic to their website dropped by almost 80 percent in Hawaii. Of course, there were still people who decided to plow on through (or else they hadn’t seen the alert due to being, ahem, “occupied”) but there was a huge drop-off, far below their usual traffic levels for a Saturday.

This isn’t that surprising. Thinking you’re about to be killed by a missile isn’t, as far as we know, a kink.

What came next, however, was unexpected. When the second message went out – the one that told them it was a false alert and they weren’t going to die after all – there was a huge surge in traffic to the porn website. You could practically hear the monkeys being spanked all the way to the mainland.


Pornhub released this handy chart showing its traffic levels during the whole shenanigans.

At 8:45am local time, the correction was issued and you can see traffic crawl back up. By 9:01am there was a sudden spike, just when people had time to return from their storm drains and get comfortable. At the peak of its traffic, the site was seeing 50 percent more hits than on an average, non-missiley, Saturday.

The Internet porn giant had this to say on the spike in activity.

On Saturday January 13, residents all across Hawaii received a text message at 8:07am stating that a ballistic missile was on it’s way to their island and advised they should take shelter immediately. With international tensions currently at a high, it’s no surprise that the warning was taken very, very seriously. We can’t begin to imagine what would go through someone’s mind after reading that message, but based purely on the traffic numbers, it’s NOT to be watching porn.

Based on real-time, per-minute pageviews, and compared to levels on the previous two Saturdays, our statisticians found a precipitous drop in traffic at 8:07am immediately after the warning was sent out. By 8:23am, traffic was a massive -77% below that of a typical Saturday. As residents were notified around 8:45 that the initial warning was sent in error, traffic began to return to normal and Hawaiians collectively breathed a sigh of relief. Those seeking further relief, headed back to Pornhub where pageviews surged +48% above typical levels at 9:01am.

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Mr Americana, Overpasses News Desk
January 28th, 2018